Les Conneries

trying to do

my liver a solid

with dandelion

and burdock

and shitty city water

I notice

my intuition is my best friend

at least

that's what the tea bag says

as I'm watching some absurd

Quebecois movie

about unrequited love

doubly unrequited

it turns out

tight characters

bitch and snit and snort

about and at romance

pose

preen

and present themselves

as immune

yet

play

pine

and pledge themselves

to one another

and that's always been

my intuition

too

to pantomime all

worldly and jaded

until a fella

says hello

then

without skipping a beat

a Hail Mary

pass of heart

must be I think the act a

sufficient

warning

I'm not to be messed with

then I break the stern huddle

and I signal him

go deep

go long

deeper

longer

and I push him right out the end zone

right out of the stadium

and my arm ain't that strong

and my chest is a cavity agape

so I'll sip the steaming

bitter brew

with a cupboard honey bare

and ask forgiveness

for mistrust

of purveyors of tea and wisdom

and lush cinematography

Marshmallow

haven't properly breathed

since I was

very small

a wee lad

free of

wheezing and labor

filling lungs like buckets

and when hormones

coursed

and I was

unable to fill little else

unable to fill out

when I

stayed wee

everyone let me know it

a person who'd never

say the word fat

to a double chin

would toss

skinny

thin

rail

around liberally

with

snarky thoughtlessness

don't you eat kid?

it made me feel

obese

oddly

this constant summing up of me

with guessed lowball figures

made me feel huge

because if I packed on pounds

if I let an ounce bounce

I thereby shed identity

I learned to suck it in

all of this nothing much

stuck between a rock

and a soft place

hyperconscious of every move

afraid to turn sideways

and disappear

yet in baggy athletics

no tummy

but tucked and rigid concave

ribs a cage

respiration rehearsed into

a girdle

shallow breaths and shallowness

cells operating on

limited nourishment

of air

of all else

and it turns out

hormones are irrelevant

you gotta breathe

with fullness

at depth

abdomen and chest both

you gotta rise

you gotta fall

all of you

every cell oxygenated

to be much of a man

Check Up

how do you recognize

a playful puppy

nip

when you're used to

venom

venal venom

and pain

and paralysis

and the pain of paralysis?

and the breath is

not good

but it's healthy

a spider it ain't

a snake it'll never be

it's the scales I miss

and the fine creepy hairs on eight legs

an interesting sensation

at the start

but at the end

it's Satan pimping fruit

and the web is just spit and mandibles

how do you hear

a firecracker

ladyfinger

when your path has

been full of atom bombs?

radiation

and you put them there

you dropped the bomb on you

baby

and the bang is

softer softest

but it's the tree in the woods

WMD it ain't

nuclear it'll never be

it's devastation I crave

and the shockwave making the earth the ocean

the thrill of absolute power

at ground zero

but a few miles away

it's cancer pimping death

and the flash is just blindness and burn

see how I nudge you

with my head

scratch behind my ears

smell them

not bad

pretty healthy

I've had my shots too

see the snout

and the tail

and the expressive eyes

and loyalty non-rabid

Little

sure I exaggerated

but I was hit by a car

knee banged and foot

run over

by a girl with a learner's permit

in a cemetery or a park

there were trees

certainly

although we were in the city

the malt liquor city

the memory lacks

like a bad artist's

composite sketch

from a description

shouted from a couple rooms away

in broken English

sure I exaggerated

and they got me crutches

but again the bad sketch

poorly rendered

from misremembered foreignness

Jacob got me crutches

somehow he did

and an Ace bandage

he was so worried about my foot

and I had Jacob worries

I didn't tell

my bastard boyfriend

about my Jacob worries

bastard boyfriend

who the next day

a day clear as itself

talked and joked and played with

his beautiful long hair

walking way ahead of me

leading our pack

our roaming gang

with his faggoty tra-la-la voice

ignoring me all sing-songy

sure I exaggerated

but it hurt that day

hurt while I hobbled behind him

behind my friends

except for Jacob

except for his crutches

right at my side

teaching me how to use them

in the malt liquor city

First Date

I don't need you

if you leave me I'll kill you

who can remember who choked?

who can remember who first got

his paws

around the throat of the other

the lover

and squeezed?

such strong hands for

a pussy boy

I remember

it was this pussy boy

squeezed hard and tight and first

my body doing what it could

with the beer

giving the rest back

with the breath

but we danced a lot this way

more tangle than tango

and it wasn't always I who lead

and when you follow

you gotta choke backwards

you follow fellow

and say

call me Ginger

and I preferred that

I preferred you take the lead

I could clench outrage between my teeth

its thorns far bigger

way sharper

than any rose's

and hell yes

it was hot

because you are lovely

we are lovely

but I didn't know

I just felt you

humid and close and stinky

human and male and threatening

knee in my crotch

and you could've spit

and I would've opened my mouth

because who knew

want and need are not the same

and self-preservation is not murder?

Romance

people ask me if I miss him

never directly

with their faces

or their roundabout Facebook comments

miss the way

he'd get his big awful hand

around my throat

and lift me off the floor

telling me

this time I love you

so much

then

the gut punch

an assault

a shot

and I'd like it

because it

changed the way

I looked

at things

at myself

lens Vaseline

stinky

old seventies Vaseline

from the back of

my parents'

medicine cabinet

you take a

lover

then leave a

lover

who's on tv every ten

minutes

you tell me

do you miss him?

do you feel fucked?

and I always

thought

I was on top

but I was

greedy

a power bottom

opening

receiving

nothing

spread and raw and empty

giving it all away

people ask me if I miss him

and I do

and I will

but I'll be damned

if he'll ever top me again

if he'll ever be inside

calling me the best

during

telling me the worst is

better than me

after

you take a

lover

then leave a

lover

who's in every store

who stalks you while

you buy your food

do you miss him?

should you send him a birthday card?

where are my manners?

Sweeter After Difficulties

the pain

of the sewing of

plasma platelets

and ink into

a mingle

is a different experience

sober

this hurts

I am here rather than

this hurts

I am going someplace

else

a meditation

don't be

ashamed of your arm

says the artist

of the spindly and fish belly white

thing

his grip on it tells me

he's serious

his eye contact

tells me he's kind

and I could

kiss him for it

wet mouths and

hands on his plumpness

but I don't fantasize

side-effect of self esteem

the sound of

the tool of

his trade

again dampening

but somehow making more obvious

the Bob Marley

I bet that mouth

tastes like weed

concentration now

knitting tautness into two faces

no woman

no cry

Bleep Bloop

all this talk about

world getting shrunk

share and connect and comment

agreements and dis

and we

don't even press buttons

anymore

they disappeared

fast

no buttons but

glass

digits and digits

and digits from digits

but no prints

they disappeared

fast

writing code into our DNA

adding impatience to the helix

used to have gratitude for buttons

it disappeared

fast

yeah I'm talking

to someone in China

but I don't even look up

at the boy on the bus

I disappeared

easy

maybe he'd hurt me

maybe he'd leave a print

Fraternity

best punch

I ever took

was from my brother

its superiority

owing to its force

and owing to

my asking for it

I remember

the sound

more than the feel

and the feel

more than the party before

my eye

a reminder

of a blank spot

of family humiliation

my Christmas eye

fattened tight

useless

and all sunset

and dusk

no broken

socket or cheekbone

but I felt

grit under the skin

sand under the flesh

and I wanted to

rub and pound and grind

that stuff

into fine

finer finest graphite

and write my brother

a note

Hunting Accident

mottled skin or not

skin that looked sick

or not

I thought he was beautiful

and ache

doesn't even begin

thoughts both tender

and hard

quick short stories

a together life

that I'd put onto the screen

of my Commodore 64

and read

never save

delete delete delete

right after the

drip drip drip

tears

other stuff

fairly friendly

with an intelligence

he thought made him lose face

and he knew I could see

those smarts

and it smarted him that

I could see

and I couldn't be seen

seeing

his ankle and calf

a history class focal point

that lower leg

telling of his entire body

somehow

a football body

a man's body

couldn't be spotted

spotting

or I'd have been

a spot on the concrete

in the courtyard

a queer smeared

so I kept my eyes low

kept my eyes on the ankle

and the text on my screen

file not found

Thirteen

how puzzling

it must be

to find yourself

lost and

lying in bed

next to a real

life-like

robot

the skin is warm

so warm

even as the thing

speaks all the ways

your behavior

does not

fit into defined parameters

how gloomy

it must feel

to know

even as it lists

these faults

it scans

for a more suitable unit

it doesn't eat

this mechanized Pinocchio

so sharp and angular

polymer angles

and yes kind of sexy

raw diet of raw data

and it doesn't sleep

this sleekness of bones

so sharp and angular

cognitive angles

and yes kind of thrilling

contrary cycle of contrary output

how frightening

it must seem

the speed and the strength

with which its

ones and zeroes

would control-alt-delete you

if that scan came up hot

manufactured

programmed

it has a plan

and kindness is a subroutine

but that anger simulation

that simulation

authentic

automaton authentic

 

Here We Go Again for the First Time

my diamond

he could play the stand up bass

just picked that sucker up

one winter night

and made it a finger singer

with a smirk

half disbelief

half cocky

half cocked

half cock

thing about diamonds

you can never observe all the facets

you miss so much

doesn't matter how hard you look

the hardness works against you

in fact

miss how while he was

looking at

you in the wings

stage left

he was looking at her

stage right

explains the smirk

maybe half nervous too

what a strange tense

game to play

more strained

than anything he could try

with his instrument

after the concert

it didn't matter he once kissed me

in his room

she was waiting by his car in the snow

and she was cold

and he was cold

told me no

no

he'd still like my strings under his fingers

but tonight no

and I couldn't see him in front of me

because

you can't find one single facet in a blizzard

Memphis in the Neighborhood of Graceland

you and me

we're all

urgent

strings

and horns

and back up singers

I picture them with dos

that defy physics

like that

Elvis song

I'm sure no lyricist

but my tongue has teeth

little incisive incisors

but I got

no artful way

no Elvis way

to say it sucks with you

and yeah

our minds

are suspicious

steeped in suspicion

our steaming drunken heads

teapots of mistrust

the King calls it a

trap

and a trap it is

a finger trap

a straitjacket

a fucking trap

a gayjacket

and the more I threaten

bite

argue

thrash

the snugger it gets

why can't you see?

indeed

you're the only one

who can loosen this thing

change

submit

subject yourself

this king's subject

because

I ain't changing

no

and every defiance

defies sense

every mule-headed breath

stretches

fabric

fabric that won't tear

because

I ain't changing

no

how could I

with this goddamned

jacket on

this goddamned rhinestone thing

stretching my sockets

to dislocation

sweating through it

like our latter lesser

Presley

sweating and fighting

right through

violins

and trombones

and

vocalists

but somehow lacking

their urgency

no urgency

but

Jeffrey has built the leaving

Jellyroll

decades spent

like Monopoly money

walking around

vigilant

protecting my squishy

spot

because

there was fear there

the yellow thing

made me yellow

and years of that

messed with my posture

no tingle in my spine

just twinges

and bone turned to

mush

it made gel

seem erect

and the squishy stuff

spread to my brain

encased it

I'll keep you safe

it wetly whispered

but water is the

universal solvent

and rot and weakness

was the result

so

I grabbed my crotch

like a construction worker parody

and

I suited myself

in boldness

bold black

to cover the yellow

distract from it

at least

but a field of black

it merely highlights

the yellow

makes it pop and sing

and even the blind

could hear it

I bet my eyes went black

too

all black

a shiver inducing horror

movie trick

when I'd walk into a

room

march

and own it

you people love me

I know because I told you to

and

did I tell you the one about

the eighteen year old's dick?

bold for sure

these balls not brass

titanium

diamond balls

clicking together

leaving a smell

both repulsive and arousing

on my hand

slamming together

between the legs

of an awkward boy

managing a swagger

bold hypnosis

the way I'd chase

practically force

someone

right into the bedroom

I'm outta your league?

well you've been drafted bitch

now on your knees

and every time

allowing the player to

drain some of that egg yolk shade

make the squish

paler

misalignment that

would make a chiropractor cry

and sweat

my back had to

hurt so much

before I could straighten

out

unnatural

and walk with

that soft abdomen

that white fright

exposed to the world

twenty years of funny money

Ladies First

sometimes

I wonder

did your friends

warn you

like mine

warned me?

did they look in those

sugar eyes sugar?

beware of that boy

he's not what he seems

he's poison

so controlling

maybe a firm hand on

your shoulder

maybe two hands

on two shoulders

make that eye contact

really count

we don't trust him

and you'd smirk a bit

roll sugar eyes

eyes I'll never

look into again

at least not

while I pump

it's a funny thing

when no one's pulling

for your love

when you feel attacked

how isolating

that can be

me and you against the world

me and you against the fucking world

me and you fucking against

isolated insulated

protecting and protected

and the bombs

and the shells

they were hitting

they were landing

around and somewhere

above us

shocked our world

rocked our apartment

plaster dust snowed onto shaved heads

chandeliers swung

fixtures unfixed

lights dimmed

on and off

in the end

in the last days

the isolation was maddening

a fever

a bunker

Adolf and Eva